Fitting In

Another sunset at Ægissíðan, every one is differrent

Another sunset at Ægissíðan, every one is differrent

“I am what I am”

I am working on my third country, I think that is a good number, three. I could stretch to four, we’ll have to see. I seem to do twenty three years per country, as a rule. The rule being determined by the first two countries, apparently. I was thinking of Japan next, if I happen to stretch to four, that is. Time will tell.

Maybe it is something in my blood, my DNA, my soul. Something that drives me from one place to another. I only have a sample set of two, with a third in the works. It’s not an exact science, obviously.

I grew up in England. I certainly feel a connection with the place. However, when I return, to where I came from, I don’t feel a sense of belonging. It is great to visit, mostly because the people I love are still there, but I would not want to stay there.

I lived in America too, for about the same amount of time. I became an American, by choice, and I was accepted as one, I felt it. However, I still did not feel a sense of belonging. There are people I love very dearly there too, I want to see them again, as often as I can, but I don’t want to stay there. That time has passed.

Now I am in Iceland. It is the first place that has felt like home, where I truly felt like I belong. I cannot explain that. How could anyone? People ask me all the time, “Why Iceland?” I have no concrete answer to give them. Save for the fact that I fell in love with the place, first and foremost, and then with the people, quite unexpectedly.

Here I am in a place where I did not grow up. In a place I know comparatively little of. In a place where the language is something that is both different and challenging to get to know. Maybe that is the appeal though. I am out of my ‘comfort zone’, and yet somehow I find myself completely in my ‘comfort zone’ at the same time. Paradoxical to say the least.

I never felt like I ‘fit in’. Maybe it is just easier to not ‘fit in’ in a place with only 300,000 or so people. How do they ‘fit in’? In the world?

Iceland is its own thing. Icelanders are their own people. This is my sense, in any case. They have a strong sense of identity, of value, of self. Maybe that is what I identify with.

I am not Icelandic, I never will be, but in my heart I am an Icelander. I am one who dwells here on this island, one who loves it, dearly, and one who values it and everything in it. Most especially its people.

I have such a strong draw to this place I have to wonder if I have a historical and genetic connection to it. My father’s family comes from York. York was formerly Jór-Vik, Horse-Bay, a viking stronghold, back in the day, as they say.

I may get DNA testing to find out for sure, it is something I have considered. I would be sorely disappointed, however, if I found I had no connection. So there is some degree of trepidation about taking that step. That being said, I should not fear the truth, for the truth is what I love most, and seek always.

The last couple of days I have had experiences that bring into sharp relief how I do not seem to ‘fit in’. People seem to expect me to be a certain way, they do their best to help me according to that, but I find that I am not what they expect me to be. I don’t necessarily want to ‘fit in’. I want to be honest, I want to be me, I want to be who I am.

I don’t know that I will ever truly ‘fit in’. I know I want to be who I truly am, and that is something I am busy finding out about. It is a heartfelt wish of mine for that to be accepted.

I am what I am.

Bless Bless og Sjáumst!